11 Feb 2010

does she love you?

"If she hides your shoes when you’re late for work, and from a supine position on the couch plays “Hot/Cold,” and, finally, after 15 minutes of you ignoring her screaming, “Boiling! Burning up!” every time you stalk angrily by the dishwasher, gets up, flips it open to reveal the shoes, sitting there among the plates, and hands them over with a kiss and a giggle, and then laughs some more as you tie your laces in a silent rage: She loves you.

If she calls you at work that day to ask, “How are those shoes working out?”: She loves you.

If when you get home you try to hide something of hers, she finds it immediately, shaking her head, and when she pulls whatever it is—oven mitts or stretch pants—from behind the couch, she looks at you and without any attempt to hide her pity, says, “I love you”: She loves you. 

 If she’s a zombie: She loves you, but only for your brains."

does he love you?

"If you have to set two alarms at night, one for the morning wake-up and one that marks the hour that the two of you absolutely have to stop talking and let each other sleep—he loves you.

If he fights a duel for your honor and wins—he loves you.

If he fights a duel for your honor and loses—hmm… What’s the other guy’s deal?

If when you die he dedicates two decades, his entire empirical fortune, and the muscle-power of over 1000 elephants to a construct an awe-inspiring mausoleum of pure white marble on the banks of an Indian river—he loves you. If 350 years later his descendents are actually able to keep the bathrooms clean, the German tourists will love you, too."

these are just excerpts, do yourself a favour and go read the whole things.

my time was spilt between laughing so hard my newly purchased sparkling water came dangerously close to squirting out my nose on more than one occasion, and nodding and thinking "yup, that sounds about right".


  1. I loved that! About 6 months late, but I love that! Just sent it to every woman I know, in love or otherwise! The excerpt at the end, from Brian Moore's book- that's going in my wedding ceremony- I'm determined to find a place for it!

    Thank you :)

  2. excellent!

    glad you got as much of a kick out of it as I did.

    now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go re-read it and laugh all over again.